The First Step Towards Increasing Self-Love: Self-Compassion

When we encounter a difficult situation, what is your inclination?  Is it to push yourself harder?  Is it to beat yourself up with talking negatively to yourself in hopes of “whipping yourself back into shape?”  Is it to tell yourself that you are the only one that must have this struggle?  Honestly, those were my go-to strategies for years.  Did it work?  Definitely not, and IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

Brene Brown, LCSW, researcher and author of several books including Daring Greatly, tells us that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.  The development of self- compassion is the direct way to loving ourselves more.  What is self-compassion and how do we increase our level of self-compassion?  I recently read and listened to the work of Kristin Neff, PhD., self-compassion researcher.  Understanding how to develop self-compassion by the questions you ask yourself as well as a 3-step process can contribute to your overall health and level of wellbeing.  Over February and March, I will discuss the concepts behind self-compassion and these 3 practices that can glide into your daily routine.  

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same support when you are struggling that you would naturally show to a good friend that you care about.  Most of us are not self-compassionate; we are often much harsher to ourselves then we would even consider being to a friend or even a stranger.  At some level, we seem to think that being hard on ourselves helps us.  We think that if we demonstrate compassion towards ourselves, that it will result in lazy, weak, selfish, or unmotivated behavior.  

Kristin Neff’s research from the last 20 years reveals the opposite.  The more self-compassionate we are, the more resilient we are in the face of difficulties. If you work to become your greatest ally instead of cutting yourself down, it makes you stronger and more able to get through tough times.  Self-compassion has been found to be a better motivator than self-criticism because it actually allows you to learn from your mistakes.  Self-compassion is a higher-level emotion (and hence a better motivator) because it carries the energy of love versus fear.  If we shame ourselves for being imperfect, it isn’t a mindset that produces “get-up-and-go behavior.”  Instead, it actually stalls us, creating failure to thrive, performance anxiety and often the tendency to give up entirely.

When we actually acknowledge that we are trying our best or even ask, “What can I learn from this situation?” it gives us the fortitude to keep trying, learning, and growing.  Self-compassion is not selfish but instead allows us to give to others without burn-out.  Practicing self-compassion is strongly related to mental health.  Those with a strong and consistent practice for self-compassion have less anxiety, less depression, more happiness, and more life satisfaction.

This month, as we celebrate self-love at Body In Balance, my challenge to you is to start asking yourself on a consistent basis, “What can I learn from this situation?”  This practice is a big first step towards developing an attitude of self-compassion.  Write that question on post-its and place them by your desk, on your bathroom mirror, on the kitchen refrigerator—or wherever you will see them.  By creating this visual cue and asking yourself this question on a consistent basis, you are rewiring the brain to be primed for self-compassion.  Next month, I will discuss the 3-step practice to increase self-compassion and self-love as taught by Kristin Neff, that has become a part of my morning mindfulness practice.  

Remember, Create Health by Choice, Not by Chance.