The Second Step Towards Increasing Self-Love: Kristin Neff’s Self Compassion Break—An Actionable Tool for Increasing Self-Love

Last month, we explored the importance of developing strong self-compassion skills with the homework of asking yourself this question - especially during difficult times: “What can I learn from this experience?”  The next step of this process is the Self-Compassion Break, a 5-minute practice designed to increase your self-compassion skills and ultimately, your self-love, created by Kristin Neff, PhD.  There are 3 main components of the self-compassion break: Mindfulness, Humanity, and Kindness.

Mindfulness is necessary to develop strong self-compassion skills because we need to increase the awareness of our thought patterns, assess our internal state/stress level and to acknowledge when we are having a tough time.  We can be so consumed by the minutia of life that without mindfulness skills, we may be completely unaware of how we actually feel.  Our thoughts may be on repeat in a way that is causing us to struggle.  Mindfulness allows us to slow down, connect inwardly, and acknowledge that we may need support.    

Humanity allows us to have a sense of connectedness with others.  Self-compassion reminds us that everyone does struggle, make mistakes and is imperfect.  This human struggle is what connects us to others.  Reminding yourself that other people do have experiences like the one you are currently having is an important part of healing.  

Kindness is the emotion behind self-compassion.  When we bring a sense of warmth, caring, nurturing, and acceptance to ourselves, we are in a state of cultivating self-compassion.  With the use of kindness, we may not accept the situation we are in, or the behaviors we are using while in that situation, but we can accept that we are doing the best we can. Kindness is important to create an environment in which we can heal, grow, and learn.

What does the Self Compassion Break look like in practice?

  1. We can start this process with deep breaths, preferably in-through-the-nose, out-through-the-mouth.  We use our mindfulness skills to create conscious presence and remember that we are, “right here, right now.”
  2. Think of a situation in your life that is creating stress right now……maybe this situation brings up feelings of inadequacy or that you have made a mistake or regret an action.  It could be an issue in relationship, work, parenting, etc.  According to Kristin Neff, if you are new to this practice, choose something moderately difficult instead of something that may be more deeply painful, in order to keep your brain from moving into fight-or-flight, which would shut down higher brain function and make the process difficult to learn.  As you become more practiced, you may feel ready to tackle longer-term or deeper patterns.
  3. Use your mindfulness skills to acknowledge the stress of the situation, that this situation may be difficult and causing some pain or suffering.
  4. Remind yourself of the humanity of this situation—you are not alone and there are probably many people experiencing something like what you are experiencing.  This is not the practice of comparing your pain to others’ (making it greater or less than).  It is about acknowledging that this is a human experience and being human means that there are struggles and the high potential for mistakes.  
  5. Finally, bring warmth and kindness to yourself.  Put a hand over your heart-space or solar plexus.  By feeling the gentle support and warmth of your hands, you can acknowledge that you CAN be a support your yourself.  Then, use the language of kindness to express kindness to yourself (aloud or via journaling).  What would you say to a friend going through this experience?
  • I’m here for you.
  • I care about you just the way you are.
  • You’ll get through this.
  • I’m here to help.

As you bring forth that language, Kristin Neff instructs to practice a “U-turn” and say it to yourself.  As the process completes, realize that you are setting an intention to help yourself.

Kristin Neff’s self-compassion practice can be an incredibly powerful tool in building self-love.  When you regularly combine this practice with Network Spinal Analysis (NSA) care, realize that your ability to create a mindful state is enhanced due to the peace and sense of wellbeing that NSA care brings by decreasing fight-or-flight physiology.  Realize that because NSA is a healing process for the nervous system and neurological patterning, as you shift your nervous system, your awareness of a painful situation that needs to heal may be enhanced.  NSA can create a sense of safety so your brain/nervous system can confront these issues in a way in which they can be more easily “let go.”  Combine this with Somato-Respiratory Integration (SRI) to increase conscious awareness, and even deeper healing can take place.  

I think each of us needs a self-compassion practice.  I love Kristin Neff’s work, as it creates an awareness of how we are speaking to ourselves and gives us an actionable tool to help us engage in creating an increased sense of self-compassion and love.  I have made it a part of my daily mindfulness routine and I hope it brings a sense of wellbeing in which you can thrive.  

Remember, Create Health by Choice, Not by Chance.

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